In Just That Kind of a Mood

Hallmark's Rejected Greeting Cards

1. Front: I heard you have gone deaf. Inside: I'll bet you didn't.

2. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind. Inside: See you later, you fucking bastard!

3. Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead. Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.

4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out. Inside: Well, dadgummit!

5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms. Inside: Write back soon!

6. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease. Inside: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.

7. Front: I heard that you were very sick. Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.

8. Front: I heard you were dead. Inside: I hope it was painless.

9. Front: I heard your whole family got shot. Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.

10. Front: Congratulations on your first period! Inside: Let's go out and paint the town red!